I was struggling with my body image, so I decided to explore how other people felt about their bodies through a series of portraits and interviews. I found that each person has had a mental health issue in the past that manifested itself as body insecurities.
It’s inspiring to see so many people come forward and share their self-esteem struggles. Some are over their issues, and others are somewhere in the middle where they’re not too sure what to do. This is an honest, raw, unfiltered account of each person’s state of mind at the time. The black and white photos are not altered in any way in photoshop, and none of these souls is wearing any makeup.
More images and stories are added daily on my website and Instagram!
Yasmin Mebar: “I Have The World Map On My Back”
I think I was around 14 when I started developing a skin condition called Tinea Versicolor. It’s a common fungal infection of the skin which results in discolored patches. I was in a summer camp at the time and we were supposed to go swimming when one of the girls had noticed a big patch on my back and she said in a very disgusted tone, “Oh my gosh, what’s that on your back?!” I was in shock and started to panic thinking that it was an allergic reaction to something. I told my mom about it and she took me to see a dermatologist. He looked at my skin under UV light (or something) and it looked so scary that my mom actually started crying.
The doctor then explained that this skin condition isn’t that rare and quite a few people have it. Apparently, this fungus can grow on anybody’s skin, but only certain skin types show it. And he’s like, “you happen to be the lucky one.” He explained that I couldn’t get rid of it and that it’s going to be with me my whole life. It reacts to heat and humidity, which is why it flares up in the summer. At that point, at age 14, I didn’t want anyone to see this on me. Every time people would see it, I would get a very strange reaction like, “Is that like a sunburn or are you peeling?” And I remember as a teenager I would lie and say, “yes, I‘m peeling it’s from a sunburn” and I had never even experienced sunburn at the time!
I remember trying everything. There are different ointments, shampoos you can use and even pills. I’ve never tried the tablets though, I probably will at some point. Sometimes it actually completely clears up and my back looks amazing! Then other times it’ll flare up or it might stay that way for the entire year, even when it’s cold. It’s really unpredictable.
I think especially as a teenager it affected many things. I would refuse to go to the beach if I noticed it flaring up unless I was going with my closest girlfriends and we were going on a ladies day. I’m not necessarily conservative or anything, I don’t mind going to mixed beaches, but if it was flaring up I just didn’t want the boys to see me. However, it made me closer to my best friend cause I remember she would help me put on my ointments in hard to reach places on my back. It was really nice to have that close bond with her. And on the other hand, there were some friends who would point it out a lot and constantly make comments like, “maybe you should try something else” or “maybe you should go to a different doctor.” Just giving advice where it’s really not asked for. So yeah, it was a little bit hard growing up.
Then when I was about 24 I felt like I was fighting against something that’s going to be with me forever and there’s nothing I can do about it. So I thought, “I should start learning to love this, so-called, ugly part of myself.” I’m 28 now and I started really paying attention to my mental health and I felt like this was really connected to it. From a physical standpoint, I don’t like the way it looks, but I also don’t like the way it’s making me feel; allowing it to control me. Now, when I feel like it flares up too much, I won’t cover it completely compared to how I did when I was younger. Maybe I won’t go completely backless, but I would go to the beach. It’s fine with me. And if someone’s going to say anything, I’ll just be like, “Yeah, this is a skin condition.” Then if they’re genuinely interested in understanding what this is, I’ll explain it. So I’m kind of coming to terms with it as much as I can.
With relationships, it depends on the maturity of the guy that I’m dating. Usually, when I choose to be in a relationship with someone, that guy would be very understanding about it. But if it was something more casual or someone that I’ve recently started seeing then the reactions are more like, “Is that contagious?” I think I’ve gotten that reaction probably three times so far. And I’m just like, “oh my gosh. If it was, why would I let you touch it or not warn others?” It’s not contagious at all; you either get it genetically (cause my father has it) or it just develops from your environment if you live in a very humid place.
I do feel a lot more free from the burden of constantly trying to hide something. I feel like most of the time we play it up a lot in our heads, especially our own insecurities. Sometimes there might be insecurity that people won’t even notice, or they’ll see it, but it’s just not that big of a deal to them. I need to stop seeking validation from other people telling me that it’s fine and that it looks okay. Like physically it actually doesn’t bother me that much, it’s not like it itches or anything.
There was this one amazing reaction that I heard from a kid once who had seen my back. She shouted “Mommy, mommy, look, she has a world map on her back!” I actually started crying tears of joy just because this child is so innocent and the way she looked at it wasn’t in terms of beautiful or ugly; just that she sees a picture there. And I love traveling and I love connecting with people in the world so I was like, “Oh my gosh. I’ve got the world map on my back! Hell yeah!” So yeah, that was awesome.
Maha Aj: “If You Get A Nose Job, You Would Look Much Better”
I get bullied about my nose a lot, I keep getting comments saying “If you get a nose job, you would look much better.”. I used to be insecure about my nose when I was younger until I watched an episode of the Tyra Banks Show back in grade 7. It literally changed my life and the way I look at myself and people. The title of the episode was “Rock your Ugly” which means that specific thing that you’re insecure about, is the one thing that makes you unique, celebrate it, rock it and be proud of it, because every single one of us has an insecurity, if we keep trying to change and hide it, we will all end up looking the same.
Karina Sandhu: “Men Want To Marry Thin Girls”
I moved to India when I was about ten years old. I always had some extra weight on me so the bullying affected my self-esteem while I went to school there. I felt my relationship with food grew into comfort I’d turn to. As long as I could remember everyone had an opinion about my body. I’ve heard a mix between she’s fine she doesn’t need to lose more or if she would just cut out rice she’d lose weight faster. Regardless, everyone had their own five cents on the subject.
I once filled my plate up with food, I remember someone looked at me in disgust and followed with a comment. I felt so ashamed, I excused myself and found a washroom to throw up. I didn’t like the feeling, mostly I didn’t like what I was doing to myself. I couldn’t imagine putting my body through that ever again. I learned that compliments and critiques about your body from every person could be a general observation and preference, self-projection or inspiration. It’s not worth taking personal at all. Your own opinion about your body is what holds more importance over anyone else’s.
My last two years of high school had a significant effect on me. I was overweight, I had braces in addition to that my eczema was flaring up. My eleventh grade prom I remember finding myself comparing to the other girls. I felt so disappointed and unhappy with my reflection, I wasn’t who I wanted to be. I admired the way they looked and carried themselves, it inspired me to be the best version of myself. The next morning and that entire summer, I worked out and ate healthily. The gym and dancing made me fall in love with my body, I would look at myself and think “I feel beautiful”. I developed a healthy relationship with my body. Through this process, my confidence grew as a result of acceptance. I accept that my body will fluctuate in weight throughout my life. Every day I make a choice to accept myself in every phase my body goes through.
Growing up as an Indian woman, I had felt this pressure of upholding an image of a female that was culturally expected. Since I was a kid, I would be guided to cover that body part up, men want to marry thin girls, you look pretty fair-skinned stay out of the sun“. It was my normal. I am more than fortunate that my parents supported my education and encouraged me to study in the field of my choice. So when I recently started modeling, they weren’t the most thrilled. Especially since they expected my career to be solely dedicated to along the lines of my fashion design degree. After all, they did move their lives to Dubai for me to do so. Which is why I understand their disappointment when I started working as a full-time model.
The life and opportunities that I now have presented to me are because of my family’s sacrifices, hard work, and investment in my education. I wouldn’t be able to take on anything that I am pursuing without their support. Although it’s not a career they expected from me, I wish they eventually come to be proud and understand it’s something that I enjoy doing. Over the years I also started to realize that people are going to talk regardless of what you do. This especially is true in the Indian society I grew up consciously pleasing. How you look, what you do for a living, how you choose to live your life etc.
So ultimately, it’s not worth dwelling over. I can’t stress enough about the fact that life is incredibly short, it isn’t owed to anyone. So why waste your precious time worrying about things that won’t matter in a few years. Instead, we could be focusing our energy on what makes us happy.
Lotus Habbab: “When I Was 11 Months Old I Fell Off The Bed And My Arm Was Resting In Between The Spaces Of The Winter Heater”
Well, I can’t hate anything I have, because it is a part of me, but what I do is I try to play around with what I wear to serve that certain area. Sometimes it’s more than one thing, but I can’t actually pick one because they’re all kind of equal. First, it would be my chest area. I know it would be silly for me to obsess over something like that as it’s just a body image, which with time I learned. But when I didn’t know better, it used to bother me a lot, and I come from a family where the women have a generous bust. That’s 9 women including my sisters and cousins, but I felt like they were too small. And when I used to be shy and shrug my shoulders it would be more noticeable and it made me feel more like a boy because I didn’t have that feminine part of me that says “hey I’m here”. It felt more like there was nothing there, which also affected my relationship being closer to boys than girls. I would say boys viewed me as a boy, but I believe it’s because I viewed myself this way, they felt it.
One thing that bothered me as I was growing up, was my arm as well. When I was 11 months old I was sleeping near my older sister, about 7 years older than me, my brother had a fever, so my mom was with him all night. I fell off the bed and it was wintertime, and my arm was resting in between the spaces of the winter heater. It took time for mom to wake up and come to me and that’s why my arm was burnt. I remember wearing long sleeves, and half sleeves in the summer to hide it, and I would worry about the perception people would have when they see my arm because I’ve had kids get freaked out when they see it. But I also remember the last time that it actually bothered me. It was also the experience that led me to get over it. I was about 12 and was wearing a jeans jacket in the middle of the summer like I always did, but my sister told me that if I wanted to join her and her friends, I have to leave the jacket at home. I felt pressured at that moment but knew that having my sister beside made me feel safe. I then started building the confidence and accepted that it was fine, even my family would remind me that if I ever want to remove the burn marks, I can go for the surgery. Funny thing is that everyone who meets me finds it hard to asks me about my arm, but the reality is that it’s actually the last thing that bothers me now, and it probably masks the fact that I have other insecurities about my body.
To be honest, nothing bothers as the fear of gaining back the weight I’ve lost, and it’s part of my motivation to stay active and watch my food. To some people I wasn’t fat, to others “I gained weight” and was “losing my figure”, but it’s what people say that sometimes get to you. But that was a tough journey for me because, besides what I was hearing from the people around me and my family, and sometimes jokes go a little too far, I figured out that I wasn’t gaining weight because I was just eating, especially since I had stopped junk food for 6 months before I’ve reached that stage. I realized that I was gaining it because of complications in my stomach, and once I had understood that I started losing weight because I was helping my body by stopping the food that wasn’t properly digesting in my stomach. But now I’m just left with some loose wiggly thighs and other parts of my body.
My sister actually played a big part in me becoming comfortable with my body. I used to wear shorts to all-girls pool parties to hide, and she was always pushing me to lose the shorts, and eventually, that time came, as I grew older and started accepting that part of me. It just shows you that being in a different environment and around people that love you really changes your perspective on life.
Joelle Van Schaik: “I Got My First Open-Heart Surgery When I Was Just Under A Year Old”
So I have this scar on my body, which is about I think 20 centimeters. I have a congenital heart defect, which means I had it the moment I was born. I got my first open-heart surgery when I was just under a year old, then a second one when I was nine years old. I have like five or six different defects which no one in the world has in this combination. The second surgery replaced a valve for an artificial one, so you can actually hear my heart ticking like a clock.
As a girl getting older, you generally start getting insecure about your body. I started comparing myself to other girls and then got insecure because they don’t have this ugly scar. Well, I thought it was ugly at that time but I think as I got older I learned to live with it more and better.
Physically I can only do 70% of other people’s 100%. I get tired quickly and need more time to recover. If I’m working 3 or 4 very long days I might need 2 days to recover where other people may only need one. It doesn’t make me feel great because I’m super motivated and feel responsible. I want to do more but physically I can’t sometimes. I’ve learned to know my boundaries and listen to my body. I’ll take a break when I need to but sometimes the people around me also need to remind me to take it easy.
Bottom line is my scar is still there, I can’t do anything about it and all my friends are like, “it’s just a part of you.” But when I meet new people, it’s this little insecurity; always there, always with you, always thinking “would they see it? Are they going to ask about it?”.
Still, at this point in my life, I believe that everything happens for a reason, even though you are forced to make hard choices or get rejected. Because of my condition, I had to stop dancing at the dance academy back in the Netherlands, which was my passion and biggest dream but then I think, if no one told me to stop right there, I would never be where I am right now. And that is enjoying Dubai, experiencing wonderful things, meeting great new people, and living (as much as possible) a healthy life.